Hidden in Plain Sight: How to Support the Unseen Face of Cancer
By Comica Shaw, MBA
Some experiences remain invisible to the world and understood only by those who endure them. Breast cancer is one of those experiences – personal, painful, ever-evolving, and sometimes unseen. Breast cancer can come into your life at different ages and stages and with various symptoms, treatments, and side effects. Unlike what you see on TV – medical dramas paint an incomplete picture. The untold portions are the unfamiliarity with your body, the emotional turmoil, the physical ailments, and the constant worry and stress. Breast cancer is often associated with chemotherapy, hair loss, drastic weight loss, or an older person. At least, this is what I thought when I received the unfortunate news of my diagnosis. According to the American Cancer Society, the median age at the time of breast cancer diagnosis is 62… Well, I am 46.
Fortunately, my breast cancer was caught early through a routine mammogram. My treatment included surgery and radiation over a span of six months. It would have been easy to go through my breast cancer journey without telling a soul. Outwardly, my reflection hasn’t changed drastically. But the inside is unfamiliar, and my body no longer feels like it belongs to me. I struggle with accepting my ‘new’ breasts after the partial mastectomy and reconstruction of both breasts.
Even without sensation in my breasts, pain emerges unexpectedly. I instinctively want to hold onto my breasts as the pain subsides but avoid doing so in public. The scars under my arms and breasts are tight. I often stop to stretch to increase my mobility. Navigating my wardrobe is an expected battle each morning. I fight to camouflage my compression bra, bandages, and ointments through my outfit selections.
The emotional turmoil is harder to express. I grieve the body I once knew; the thought of reoccurrence invades my mind at unexpected moments. It’s hard to imagine life before cancer. The ongoing pain from surgery and the inability to get comfortable at night makes getting a good night’s rest nearly impossible. Without a proper night’s rest, several areas of my life are affected, such as the ability to concentrate, remember important information, and stay alert during commutes. There are also moments of stress and feeling overwhelmed where tears appear without warning. They have no boundaries and invade the most basic daily tasks.
On the inside, I’m navigating a world filled with fear, pain, and uncertainty. The journey doesn’t end with the ringing of the bell. It continues with follow-up appointments, waves of anxiety, aches, pain, and low energy. For these reasons, one may not understand how best to support someone during their breast cancer journey. Despite the challenges, there are ways family, friends, and workplaces can provide support, even when not obvious.
Acknowledge: Recognize the person has gone through a traumatic event. Express concern. Check-in periodically. Show empathy through simple phrases such as: “I’m thinking of you.” “You crossed my mind.” ” Are you doing ok?” “I know this may be hard for you, I am here for you.” “How can I help make things easier?” Avoiding the elephant in the room can come across as a lack of empathy.
Provide Practical Help (Home): Instead of saying “tell me what you need” just do it. It will be appreciated. Offer to help with specific tasks such as grocery shopping, household chores, bringing dinner, offering to pay for a housekeeper, folding clothes while you visit, having food delivered, driving to appointments, and keeping them company in the waiting room are all great ways to offer support. If you offer the support, be sure to follow-through.
Provide Practical Help (Work): Returning to work after being away for an extended amount of time is an adjustment. Workplaces can offer a flexible work schedule, incorporating more time for a project, extending grace as someone “catches up”, from being away, offering to take on portions of the job responsibilities temporarily, and providing privacy when time off from work is requested.
Respect Their Boundaries: Sharing is not caring. If they shared their diagnosis with you, do not take it upon yourself to let others know. Allow them to share with whomever they select. Let them dictate when and how much they want to share. If they do share, listen with empathy.
Avoid Assumptions: People often judge the severity of an illness based on visible symptoms. Beware of dismissive comments, such as, “You don’t look sick. You don’t look like you have cancer. Your treatment is over; you are back to normal. You must be doing better. You have done harder things.”
Often, it is simply asking, “How can I help?” or “What do you need?”.
Recently, my radiologist asked how I was navigating my new-normal life. I hesitated and answered with little confidence, “Alright, I guess.” I wasn’t sure how to respond because I am still figuring out what my ‘normal’ may be. What does cancer really look like? It may not match the image you have in mind. But even when you can’t see it, it’s still there – hidden in plain sight, always changing.
https://www.cancer.org/cancer/types/breast-cancer/about/how-common-is-breast-
cancer.html#:~:text=Breast%20cancer%20mainly%20occurs%20in,cancer%20are%20younger
